1. Meet face to face
- In person — this is usually the best option because you can see each other’s reactions and gestures. It makes communication easier and lets you clear up misunderstandings quickly.
- On video — when you work remotely, meeting in person is not always possible. A video call is a good alternative. If you can, turn on your camera.
- By voice — not everyone can or wants to turn on a camera. You lose some nonverbal cues, but you can still ask questions and clarify things immediately. Even if the other person leaves their camera off, you can leave yours on.
- On Slack or another messenger — it seems like the easiest and quickest option. It only seems that way, because several things can go wrong:
- without reactions and gestures, it’s easy to misread a message or hear a tone the writer did not intend;
- you often get no sign that the other person understood you as you intended;
- it’s harder to clarify the context, add something, or explain yourself;
- if questions come up, you may spend more time typing than a short conversation would have taken.
2. Choose the right time, place, and mood
Make sure you both have time
- Return to the situation soon after it happens. If you say, “Last Thursday, during refinement, something happened and I didn’t understand what you meant,” you cannot count on the other person remembering the details well enough to discuss them. Still, it’s worth taking a few minutes before giving feedback.
- What if you’re in a meeting and want to give someone feedback right then? It’s usually better not to do it in front of everyone. Not everybody is comfortable receiving a public comment, even a positive one.
- If the other person is clearly busy, in a hurry, or about to finish work, agree on the next convenient moment. That could be in fifteen minutes or the next day. It isn’t ideal, but if you give feedback when someone has no time for it, you may simply not be heard.
Find the right place
- Don’t give feedback in a room full of people. Make sure you can speak privately.
- Use your judgment about the moment and place. Don’t start when someone is just entering the bathroom, even if the corridor is empty.
- You don’t necessarily need to reserve a meeting room. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted.
Keep it calm
- If someone is overwhelmed by emotion, give them a few minutes to cool down.
- If they feel unwell, tired, or in a bad mood, you can arrange to talk the next day.
- The same applies to you. Giving feedback in a bad mood may have the opposite effect to what you intended.
3. Ask whether they’re ready for feedback
Before giving feedback, make sure the other person is ready to listen. You might start with a question:
“I’d like to give you some feedback. Can we talk?”
This lets them know feedback is coming and gives them a moment to prepare. It’s easier then to listen deliberately and ask about anything unclear. You can also agree on a better time if now isn’t right. That lowers the chance of a misunderstanding.
4. Focus on facts
When giving feedback, try not to judge the other person. Don’t just say they did something wrong. Describe the situation, their behavior, and its effect. This is also the basis of the SBI model. Compare these two versions of the same point:
5. Paraphrase
Paraphrasing means putting what you heard into your own words. It helps you check whether you understand the other person and shows that you’re really listening. It can also help you find the need behind what they said. How does that work in a feedback conversation?
If you want to give feedback about something someone said, you can begin by paraphrasing it. Compare where two versions of the same conversation lead:
Here, the feedback isn’t given directly, but through questions and a request. They uncover what the other person actually means. Someone who simply criticized the tasks in the meeting may now make the case for dropping them. Instead of stopping at “it makes no sense,” the team can discuss the value of the work to users.
Without paraphrasing, the conversation circles around the same objection. It’s harder to get to the point, and frustration grows because both people may feel misunderstood.
If you receive feedback, paraphrase it too, to make sure you understood it correctly.
