In Good advice to get you started, I shared a few simple practices you can adopt without much preparation. Each one helps you communicate more effectively. Alongside them, you can work on an attitude that makes it easier to give and receive feedback.
Be open to feedback and don’t assume bad intentions
When someone gives us feedback, let’s try to listen. Don’t assume they mean harm when they point something out. Most of the time their intentions are good, even if the delivery could be better.
Pay particular attention to your reaction when:
- you take someone’s words personally;
- you start to get upset;
- you become defensive;
- you deny or explain things without stopping to think.
When you notice one of these reactions, ask yourself whether it is justified. It can also help to take a step back and paraphrase the feedback in your own words, to check that what you heard is what the other person meant.
Accept that we’re different
Whether we’re giving or receiving feedback, we need to remember that we’re different. Those differences include:
- what we like to eat;
- political views;
- ways of thinking;
- personality and character traits;
- values;
- knowledge and experience;
- how we’re feeling at the time.
Who we are affects what we say, how we say it, and how we see other people. It helps to pause now and then and think about those differences. That makes it easier to understand the person we’re talking to.
Practice empathy: try to understand the other person’s perspective
We don’t always have to agree with the feedback we receive. The person giving it may not know things we know. Still, they’re speaking from their own perspective and have a reason for it, even if that reason isn’t immediately clear to us.
Here’s what happens when both people focus on proving that they’re right:
Both people are convinced they’re right and the other person is wrong. You may feel closer to one of these positions yourself. I think both have value and both come from professionalism and good intentions. One person may need more time to think things through, while the other would rather start doing the work.
The same conversation can go differently when one person names the other’s need and explains their own:
When we accept our differences, it’s easier to stop arguing about who’s right and reach a compromise.
We can’t learn from mistakes we won’t admit
We make mistakes every day. We notice some ourselves and learn about others through feedback. Sometimes it’s hard to say who was responsible for a mistake.
There’s little point trying to answer the question that way, because each of these people could have helped prevent the problem. In a similar situation, I suggest three steps:
- What happened?
- Why didn’t I anticipate it?
- What can I do to avoid a similar situation in the future?
You can also shift your perspective when talking about your own feelings:
An open, empathetic attitude doesn’t appear overnight. Like a muscle, it grows through regular practice. Following the principles above is already a way to practice it.